(posted 12/1/2016) Just a few weeks ago, this site featured a QOTD asking for opinions as to the best and worst examples of fake wood paneling. There was such a fun (and hilarious) array of examples cited, so I’d recommend checking out that post if you haven’t already. As for our featured Colony Park, it’s got character that’s only enhanced by the presence (and condition) of its simulated wood. I imagine this old Mercury checks more than a few boxes for those who pine (no pun intended) for the days of the mainstream, full-sized, RWD, American station wagon. And so I present to you the “Charlie Brown Christmas tree” of classic longroofs.
Wagon-philes, it’s okay to admit that if you saw this particular example on a used car lot, freshly Simonized and Armor-All’ed, and with a fresh set of deluxe wheel covers, you might be tempted to take it home over something reasonably modern, efficient, and manageable. Something like a Ford Flex (recently featured here) might be the equivalent of one of the shiny, aluminum trees passed over by Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt in that enduring, animated TV Christmas special – modern, advanced, and somewhat analogous to the real thing, with proportions almost like those of an actual station wagon. I suspect that there are, self-included, more than a few other Charlie Browns among our readership who are feeling right now like they want to put a blue blanket around this Colony Park.
Speaking of “park”, I wouldn’t let this car’s size put you off from pulling the trigger on the purchase. Simply buy two city parking permits and call it a day. Also, make friends with your neighbor with the unused, covered parking space. As for the rust? Pshaw. Doesn’t look that bad to me. This wagon was one of about 10,800 ’74 Colony Parks produced for the model year, with prices starting at about $5,100 (about $24,500 in 2016) before options. Its starting weight was a full two-and-a-half tons, and power came from a standard 195-horse 460-V8. Curiously, Buick’s comparable ’74 Estate Wagon started within 20 pounds and $40 of the same-year Colony Park, and gave up just 15-hp from it’s standard Buick 455-V8. The whiz-bang Buick with its “clamshell” rear tailgate outsold the Mercury by about 4,500 units that year (roughly 40%). I wonder how many examples of each remain in running condition today.
I guess it’s time to address the elephant in the room – the Di-Noc. Oh, Mercury… To quote Lucy Van Pelt, “Can’t you tell a good tree from a poor tree?” As a hungry college student, I remember having bought secondhand furniture from thrift stores with wood-tone veneer that was more convincing than what we see here, this example’s obvious oxidation issues notwithstanding. If you were going to pattern artificial wood, why would you pick the single, jankiest tree in the forest to model it after? All that’s missing are moss and fake termites. (Okay… I admit that I’m now starting to sound like one of those mean kids who was ganging up on Charlie Brown for his choice of Christmas tree, and so I beg your pardon.)
Allow me to try to “Linus” this post back to the semi-sympathetic place at which I started. In addition to a little body work and some attentiveness to the damage from moisture and the infamous rust mite, all I think this mammoth Mercury really needs is a little love. Let’s hope it’s getting some these days. “Loo, loo, loooo…♪♫”
Uptown, Chicago, Illinois.
Saturday, December 15, 2012.
Related reading:
- From Tom Klockau: Curbside Classic: 1988 Mercury Colony Park – Colonizing Mercury;
- Curbside Classic: 1975 Ford Country Squire – The Car That Made Di-Noc Millions; and
- From Paul Niedermeyer (for a Buick that competed in the same space): Curbside Classic: 1975 Buick Estate Wagon – The Ultimate American Station Wagon.
It’s 40 plus years old! The fact that the fake wood has survived in such good condition speaks volumes about the way these cars were built. These things were solid as tanks. You can call me Charlie Brown if you wish, but I would love to have one of these old big wagons if I had the space to park it.
In my experience, theres were many people who did not want real convincing wood. They like the synthetic idealized version of wood tone. Real wood is too rough. Fake syntho-wood either on their coffee table or their car looked reassuringly uniform.
If I ever end up with a woodie wagon, I’m tempted to finish the sides in real mahogany ply and see if anyone notices its not fake.
Real wood’s biggest problems for station-wagon duty was that it was expensive to build (reflected in the car’s price), high-maintenance and squeaked and rattled a lot.
It looks like they tried to make it look like wood strips… Not convinced that was the best choice, but I suppose I’d have to see it up close to judge.
Bla blahing aside, I love these giants, and in wagon form besides! The Mercuries of this era were really fascinating, as they could be incredibly spartan or incredibly luxed up. My first guess is that this one would have had either brown or sage green fabric seats in a hearty and textured pattern, a combo that I love because it’s pleasing to the eye and looks lux but still conducts itself like it worked for its money.
As a driver goes, this would be a pretty decent choice. Soft cushy ride, and I think by ’74 they were advertising it as “Ride engineered by Lincoln” or something like that. The 460 is a fantastic torque-monster, and even today this car would feel driveable (not quick, but driveable). But I do wonder how many families scuttled their road trip vacation plans because 13 mpg highway would cut into the budget a bit much.
And, this car certainly wins by Rule of Crush: Bigger, more solid, and has already tasted blood. You don’t mess with the driver of this car unless you have a love of sadness and pain.
Fantastic, and yes, I’d squeeze it and hug it and call it George!
IIRC, probably vinyl seats, not fabric.
Ford used industrial strength vinyl back then, more family-proof than that decadent dirt-magnet cloth lining modern minivans.
For example, our ’70 Squire handled a Labrador & cat pee.
Possibly so in the wagons. I’ve seen the vinyl in one Marquis, but often it’s the fabric I described. But, it makes sense they’d spec durable material for the wagon. Did they at least offer the nicer fabric for the wagons?
The brochure says you had choice of cloth-and-vinyl or all vinyl–and there was the optional-upgrade Marquis interior, with the “leather seating surfaces.”
As solid as the big Ford wagons were, I recall these as trying to be distinctively more luxo with interior, trim, and especially the sound deadening. They didn’t have sports-car handling, but the quiet smoothness could have you driving 85-90 and swearing you were only doing 65….
Legally you would only have been doing 55 mph!
Would love to have one. I would wave at the people in Porsche Cayennes and similar cars, pity them for their lack of space and loss of resale value for every mile/km they go, whilst running with the same gas milage as they do.
My first recollection of a Mercury Colony Park, was back in 1980, when the Baptist priest in River Forest, IL, would take me bowling with the boys from the congregation.
One of them came flying down the road in a Colony Park to the meeting. My heart stopped a second.
That one looks very nice in that mustard color : )
Yes it is supposed to look like individual planks like a classic wood boat. Mercury used that a lot on their woodies. Personally I like it and think it looks much more realistic than those that are supposed to look like a single piece of wood. Many times those look as though they took a picture of the grain on a 2×4 and did a 10x or 20x zoom.
My parents chose the Estate Wagon clamshell in 1972. My mom, myself, and two of my sisters drove it around until late 1978. I started driving it at age 15 and a half!
This is the big one…I’m coming, Elizabeth!
One can read your statement in two distinctly different ways. 🙂
cue ‘Sanford and sons’ theme..
I am amazed at the condition of that vinyl wood given the rust and general condition of the car. The chrome surrounding the wood reminds me of a few old “woody” B-body wagons that my Dad’s employer painted up in John Deere colors for his fleet. They stripped the wood off but left the chrome trim to give definition to the areas they were painting in green and yellow.
Wow what a behemoth! I recall rattling around in the back of wagons like these back in the day – seat belts? Surely you jest. Face reminds me a bit of “The Car” but it also conjures up images of “Uncle Buck”. RIP John Candy – you made me pee my pants so many times!
So, never having lived with a GM clamshell wagon, how well did that fancy-schmancy tailgate function in real-world use?
I’ve always thought that GM lost a bunch of usable space in the back of those wagons by making them so swoopy too…
My FIL bought a 74 Country Squire new…just the thing for a family with 6 little kids. I went to grade school with my future wife and all I remember about it was that she was cute, and the car was big and blue. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the Mercury version until now.
My family had a 1972 Buick Estate Wagon with the clamshell tailgate…It always worked flawlessly. Since the window retracted into the roof it require a pretty severe sloped backlight and although this did diminish cubic volume the floor area was still huge. With both seats folded a 4×8 sheet of plywood would fit between the wheel wells and the tailgate could close….huge car
Yeah, actually those tailgates were pretty darn useful: I briefly had the Pontiac version, (with a 455 I just didn’t think I could feed: I also didn’t really need a vehicle that big, though I’ve sometimes thought of that one later when doing more handyperson type stuff. ) …might have been heavy, but so was the whole car and space really wasn’t something you’d be short on.
My Da had …I think a ’71 Town and Country when I was a kid, in late Seventies, early Eighties: (That, I always thought, was about the prettiest of the Seventies wagons, pale yellow with the wood on black vinyl with buckets and all in all very nice. Anyway, if I’m remembering correctly, that had a similar multi-hinged gate, but I think it was a choice of folding down or swinging sideways, perhaps not rolling away inside.
Oh, baby! A big ’70s Mercury wagon with wood grain. Paul can now shut down the site, Joe has just given us the ultimate in cars.
On a more serious note, I don’t fully grasp the disdain for the woodgrain. Is it my cup of tea? Not often, but we must remember such really faux wood hasn’t been limited to just cars in our society. How many of us have (or have had) laminate flooring in our houses? Or wood plank looking vinyl in a basement, kitchen, or bathroom? It’s all the same concept.
A clay bar and some touch-up on the woody section of this old girl would do wonders.
Indeed, faux-wood dashboards are still popular. I suppose these could even be touted as more conformant with the “Sustainability” dogma, though I think it’s a tossup whether petrochemical-based trim is really better than the real thing in this regard.
How about Oriented Strand Board?☺
There’s a contingent of “real wood” flooring snobs too, every now and then I’ll find myself watching one of those house hunter type shows and you’ll always hear “ooh! Look honey, nice hardwood floors!”, then corrected by the realtor that it’s actually laminate “oh, eew, let’s see the next house.”
I’ve found the people who know nothing about wood tend to be the biggest deriders of simulated wood.
I never quite got the disdain for the woodgrain either. Back when this car was new it was in vogue. Seeing nothing but trailer queen real woodies now, it’s easy to forget how awful they looked when they weren’t revarnished EVERY year. Even when they were revarnished most people didn’t get into all of the tight corners and crevices so the wood would discolor there. They squeaked and rattled when you drove them too. The fake wood was a lot better in the real world.
I with you on the woodness thing. When it’s applied well, it really adds to a wagon – fake or real.
Love these pics, as they illustrate perfectly how much more naturally old car designs age with old architecture, especially so in the last shot. More modern plastic blobs look like mere street litter once their shine wears off.
Funny thing about the Flex is the weight is about the same as this so called behemoth!
As Carol Brady , played by Florence Henderson, has passed on to her reward, so has the era of these magnificent wagons. If that show were being filmed today, I can imagine that she would be driving a Ford Expedition as so many suburban Moms are doing right now. I grew up riding in and driving My Father’s wagons and I will always have a warm spot on my heart for them. They were and are imminently useful, especially in three row guise. I find my current ’96 Explorer filling the same role.These were so plush inside. Was the infamous “panty cloth” offered on wagons? The twelve year old boy in me loves saying “panty cloth!”
The modern equivalent of the Brady’s Plymouth Satellite wagon would be a Dodge Durango. 🙂
This car would have been perfect if Carol Brady married Uncle Buck.
My first few moments looking at the lead photo, my brain kept insisting this is a Lincoln. Mercury really was “now in the Lincoln Continental tradition” in these years.
Bingo, Hang a Lincoln nose on this car and call it a Brownwood!
You mean like this?
Aaaand we have a winner for “most awkward placement of an opera window” award!
That Mercury has just right right combination of rust and patina to make it the perfect urban commuting warrior. No one would mess with it in traffic.
Yes – when do you merge in a battered 74 Colony Park? Whenever you want to. 🙂 And you can almost always beat some BMW driver for the best parking places, too. The inviolable rule is that the guy with the biggest, least valuable car always wins.
Yep, the good ol’ Rule of Crush! I drove this beast of a 1992 Safari van in 2009 while my clutch-pushing leg was healing from being smashed into multiple pieces in a bicycle/Buick Rainier collision. Let me tell you, I never lost when it came to parking spaces and lane changes!
It needs to have one good glasspack and one rotted out stock muffler to really get the texting commuters attention, I imagine it would sound sort of like Christine after one of the scenes in the movie before the shredded and bashed evil shell heals itself back to cherry. The occasional swerve and dart just to keep them on edge. Perhaps a Marvel’s Mystery Oil or Seafoam injection rig into the deactivated EGR valve with a repurposed windshield washer pump to make it smoke menacingly on command like the Blue Angels at an airshow.
I’ve been driving in Portland traffic too much.
In the early 1980’s I owned a 1967 Plymouth Fury VIP with the “Sportsback” roof. No outside right rear view mirror. I live in NJ and had many traffic circles (roundabouts)at the time. I ALWAYS had the right of way!
I thought the Colony Parks from 65-79 did the best fake wood. Merc always went a bit dark and typically used a tight grain like we see here. A broader grain would have looked jazzier but been harder to knock-off without obviously being a fake. The color has faded on this one, you can see how much darker it gets on that wet or is it an oily spot? And that’s faded from new.
Anyway great find Joseph. The beat up face reminds me of a down on his luck ex-prize fighter from an old B&W movie.
Nice find – the character dents and rust just make it more interesting! We had a ’78 for a couple of years- commuting 40 miles a day with it (cough)- got expensive to say the least. It was going to be parted out before I found it, which would have been a shame. The next owner after me wanted to use it as a camping/hunting rig, and it was seen driving around town for a while after that. Not sure of the car’s whereabouts now.
hasn’t anybody noticed the ZIEBART sticker on the window?
It’s us or rust!!
That car is soooooooooooooo desirable just as it is.
Ok, gotta be honest-I’d seriously consider taking the 9 mpg city hit and giving up the Fiesta ST and the F-150 to run this one daily! I’d have to fix the light covers though.
We had a ’73, it was the car I learned to drive in. Try 8 to 9 miles per gallon. Acceleration with the big 460 was surprisingly leisurely, and tromping on the throttle made little difference. It floated down the road in the way a cruise ship floats across the ocean. Aim it where you want to go well ahead of time, don’t plan on changing directions very quickly, and, for God’s sake, hit the brakes well before you want to stop. The weight transfer on these under braking is absolutely stunning.
All of that said, I cannot imagine there is any other vehicle short of a bus or semi that has more “right of way” than one of these has. As a matter of fact, I did own the road. And the interior was the equal of anything out there at the time, very Lincolnesque.
When I graduated from high school, during the Carter administration, two cars that my dad tried to interest me in were a low-mileage powder blue ’74 Caprice Classic 4-door sedan with a 400 V-8 (in very good condition) and a low-mileage green metallic ’73 LTD Country Squire which also had a 400 V-8.
Of course, no self-respecting 18-year old wanted those and I held out until I got a ’75 Comet GT (which in retrospect was not all that great, either).
Honestly…that wagon would be great as-is…but with a 650+ HP stroker engine (dressed to look like a stock 460 and with a hidden nitrous system), 3.90 gears and a locker in the stock 9″ rear axle, and a LENN-Tech AOD.
I also recall the exact same suspension mods Carroll Shelby did on the GT350 Mustangs will work on any Ford of the era. (And in fact, were often done by NASCAR teams.)
What a ’74 Lincoln wagon would have been. A Country Town Car maybe? A little less real estate devoted to wood Dinoc on those big slab sides, and outlined in lighter wood-grained fiberglas/timber Ala Country Squire, would have further enhanced the look imo.
Such a great shot here, and some snow and colorful Christmas lights in the background would complete the picture for this big white wagon at this time of year.