Dr. VanillaDude: “Today’s “cool” generation have made vans popular road vehicles. This is the first of a series of helpful educational articles to assist moms and dads in becoming aware of the kinds of evil behavior lurking within so many vans. It isn’t until Junior is arrested, or when Cindy confesses to going “all the way” in one of these seductive wagon-type vehicles do parents learn. Dr. VanillaDude is committed to educating today’s trusting parents so that they can become better untrusting ones.”
The Japanese Rolling Beer Wagon
“Take for instance, this simple 1984 Toyota Van. Don’t let that wholesome-looking obviously married couple fool you into thinking that these Toyota Vans are fun and safe rides for your teens! We will let this story based on actual events, fill you in.”
Bobby: “Uh, my name is Bobby and I work part-time at the Wichita Toyota dealership. So anyways the sales guys get to go to Kansas City and see the official Toyota model presentation. Because I always did a great job, the boss rewarded me by inviting me along. I had no idea that when I got into the Toyota Van, my life would change.”
Dr. VanillaDude: “Can you describe for the folks what kind of evil van it was?”
Bobby: “Its really a pick up truck with an neat box bolted on the frame. The engine sat between the front seats. It fit everyone. The Van is a little narrow but ours had two sunroofs and all wheel drive. They were expensive and we couldn’t sell any of them.”
Dr. VanillaDude: “The interior – was it sinful and sexy?”
Bobby: “Um, well not at first. But after someone gave me lots of beer, that soft cloth interior began feeling really comfy. Next thing I know we’re all lined up laughing, and urinating into a ditch a bunch of times. One of the guys’s stream hit an electric fence, but I started getting sicker so I didn’t see what happened after he started yelling.”
Dr. VanillaDude: “What other repulsive displays of nudity did the Toyota Van cause?”
Bobby: “They took me to a club where women danced real naked. Real close too. I saw a lot of stuff I wasn’t supposed to. The guys pushed me down on stage and made me lay down on my back with a dollar bill in my mouth while these ladies, uh… did this trick – I don’t think I can go on!”
Dr. VanillaDude: “Bobby – you disgust me. Folks, this is the kind of sinful mayhem our innocents are witnessing first hand when they find themselves in a van.”
Not for wholesome camping, but for unwholesome drugging!
Dr. VanillaDude: “Our next story comes from Billy. Billy is a an average high school student in Eugene with a shocking story about a van that turned him into a marijuana addict. Isn’t that right Billy?”
Billy: “Pot ain’t addictive – moron. And I knew the guy, he’s my friend.”
Dr. VanillaDude: “Who’s the doctor here Billy? Just tell our folks what happened to you when you took a “ride” in a 1980 Camping Van. It was no Boy Scout Jamboree, was it!”
Billy: “I worked at Burger Heaven and my friend did too – until you got him fired. We were parked in the back lot, planning a camping trip up the Gorge when suddenly a sweet fat joint appeared. It so needed to be smoked.”
Dr. VanillaDude: “Billy, the first step from addiction is speaking proper English. You found a marijuana cigarette? Why did you think the van cause you to inhale this illegal poison? Was it the sinful interior?”
Billy: “The inside of that GMC VanDura was awesome! We could fill the frig with Oly and LIVE in there. And go to school and avoid the dorms. Chicks totally dig them too.”
Dr. VanillaDude: “As you can sadly hear ladies and gentlemen, Billy’s ride in a van has turned him into a drug addict using words used by other addicts. “Chick” means a young lady. “Oly” refers to beer no young man his age should be drinking. “Frig” – um, I’m not certain, but I believe it is slang for Heroin. Billy – you disgust me!”
Temple of Seduction
Dr. VanillaDude: “Meet Cindy. Until she found herself in a van, Cindy was a sweet innocent high schooler. Tell us Cindy what happened. It was a 1974 Ford Econoline.”
Cindy: “I was at the beach when this totally groovey college guy appeared like out of a dream. He looked just like Bobby Sherman. His hair! His van had a bed and an eight track. After sunset, we had a campfire and he sang a song he wrote just for me. He wanted to show me something in the back of his van.”
Dr. VanillaDude: “And being a sweet trusting innocent girl, you thought he would show you his Bible? Did he do anything sinful with you in the back of that sin wagon, Cindy?”
Cindy: “It didn’t feel sinful, it was actually really beautiful. And groovey.”
Dr. VanillaDude: “Cindy, how will you ever find a husband now that you have ridden, or have been ridden, in the back of a van? Being a medical doctor, I won’t call you a tramp, an easy girl, a soiled dove, or a trollop – but if I wasn’t – I would.”
“American parents of all ages, please heed the warning signs. Has your child ever used the words, “Econoline, Greenbrier, A-100, or VW Bus?” Vans are tempting our youth with good times. The freedom, the privacy, the conveniences, the go anyway practicality of today’s vans have created opportunities for Satan. Please remember to keep your child on a strict curfew and keep them away from these immoral machines!”
I sure do miss my van.
“Andddd……cut to the sponsor. Great job, Dr. VD. What? The 4th kid? I have no idea what happened to him. I saw him outside, then he got into this white van, and . . . .oh shit.”
The van marked “Free Candy”???
Please note that the humor employed is not directed at little children. Dr. VaniilaDude’s warning was regarding immoralities being committed voluntarily within vans only. Kidnapping is not humorous.
Sponsor? Okay…
HUGE VAN SALE!!! Come one, come all to Acme Motors where all vans are on sale – we got minivans, cargo vans, conversion vans and yes, even groovy ’70s vans – but hurry, Van Week ends TOMORROW! Only at Acme Motors!
Acne Motors would be more specifically targeted…!
Sex & drugs where’s the rock n roll?I never had a van which is why I’m a bird watching vegetarian spinster
I’ve had 5-6 vans, yet I’m still a TV watching occasional meat eating bachelor… Sigh.
Been a long time since I had one but I distinctly remember “Oly” as a beer that no one of any age should be drinking, unless of course that was the only beer available.
I’d sooner drink antifreeze than Oly…
These aren’t cautionaries, these are testimonials.
Here’s Cindy, a few years after the Econoline incident.
A short time later, Cindy moved to Australia and went to the beach…
These stories are groovy, thanks man.
Here is a van story for you all. I had to house, cat, and dog sit for one of my relatives a few summers ago, but I had to also work at my folks’ house at the same time. So, I would get up in the morning, clean up after and feed the cats then have the dog (a mix between German Shepard and some kind of hound) climb into the back of my 95 Voyager. Since my folk’s house was not dog proofed, our cats not used to a hyper dog, and my mother worried about the wood floor I just turned the Voyager into a large dog house. I drove it across the lawn, parked it in the shade, tied the dog to the rear bumper with 20 feet of rope, and opened the tailgate. I would have thought the dog would just lay in the grass most of the day or sleep in the back, but nope, he sat on the passenger seat most of the day. Now that I look back, driving around with a dog and a lawn mower and a gas can in the back of a Minivan might not have been such a hot idea.
They don’t call ’em Porta Parties for nothing!
In high school the dean’s daughter had a VW Westfalia. In our “Senior Wills” one of the guys left her “new springs for the back of her van”. Classic.
My dreadful van experience was in the back of “Uncle Chester’s Daycare and Funeral Home” van. I still tremble from the memory.
Alas, it is not just today’s hedonistic youth who are lured in to such depraved automotive sinning.
The 1940s Nash Airflyte boasted that its seating could be folded down into a double bed. Experts estimate that this car alone lead to a 30% increase in pre-marital “sock hopping” and “jitterbugging” out of wedlock.
Just where will it all end?
It started with jazz and the Charleston
Finally, someone has had the courage… and the decency! …to expose the dangers and the evils of vans. Veritable bins of sin!
It’s easy to imagine the grainy black-and-white video for this, with the occasional frame missing.
We’re back with “Dr. VanillaDude’s Guide To The Evils Of Vans”! Here’s a our latest testimonial from Dick!
Dick: Hi, my name is Richard, but my friends call me Dick (heehee). Recently, my friend Jake invited me and my girlfriend to a party. It was in his van, a 1987 Nissan Van. It was filled with Pabst Blue Ribbon, Rob Ford Grade Crack Cocaine, cheap porno tapes, and Southern (Dis)Comfort. Oh we had a blast! Jake, his girlfriend, myself, and my girlfriend had a blast and did many thing which you plebs wouldn’t understand.
Dr. VanillaDude: What exactly did you four do in the van?
Dick: Oh, tons of stuff. I’d tell you, but the FCC would sue me. Oh yeah! I left out the best part, the van blew up and caught fire! You shoulda been there, Dr. Dude!
Dr. VanillaDude: Gross, sickening, sinful, and disgusting. Concerned parents, keep your Billy and Susie away, from these rolling gateways to capital H-E-Double-L, Hell!
I’m just grateful we have some one looking out for our youth…
As the proud original owner of a 1984 Toyota Van, I must nit-pick 2 items:
1) that photo is of an 86-89 van (front lights are different) and
2) [this is really splitting hairs] but these vans were true 4×4 rather than awd. they had a proper hi-lo transfer case even!
love the post and all of van week. let’s do it again some time!