Last week Tesla announced that all of their vehicles will be ready for full autonomous driving just as soon as government approval is secured. All that will be required is a hefty payment to Tesla for an over-the-air software download. Imagine, you’ll never have to drive again! What could be better?!?! Thankfully, we have come so far so fast, and nothing could possibly go wrong with Elon’s nirvana. But to make sure you never forget the dark days of dangerous human driving, I bring you a dastardly print ad from 1977 that had the audacity to suggest that humans could be safe and effective behind the wheel.
Imagine the rubes of 1977 thinking that they could be the master of a machine, engaging with it to extract the maximum performance and driving pleasure. Though it seems unthinkable today, there was a time when people thought it was highly desirable to have a nimble, efficient BMW that required you to shift gears manually, feel the road through the steering wheel and even know when to operate the brakes by yourself. But look back with pity: in those forsaken times of the late 20th Century, these poor unenlightened souls hadn’t yet experienced the joys of Snapchat or the dizzying array of comical cat videos on YouTube. They didn’t yet understand how much driving would distract from their screen time.
Nor did those Seventies Luddites fathom what the future of automobiles would look like. Why on earth would you want to own a BMW 3 Series when you could be transported in this instead?
Thankfully, now BMW has finally gotten with the program. For the new 2017 7 Series, the emphasis is quite rightly on technology, passive safety and luxury (pronounced “luggzhury” in their TV ads). In the 21st Century, to market something as the “Ultimate Driving Machine” would be utterly foolish. The outdated relic of a name, Bavarian Motor Works, can soon be rechristened “Battery-operated Mobility-modules with Web-connectivity” to properly connote the modern age of transportation pods brimming with Big Data and Artificial Intelligence that exists solely to make sure we are comfortable, entertained and protected from ourselves.
Even for folks who don’t want to spring for the cost of a BMW luxury cocoon, there will be a wonderful answer in the not-too-distant future. Benign technology conglomerates, altruistic major marketers and the government can mandate vehicles that will algorithmically optimize exactly where we need to go, and safely get us there (except for the occasional catastrophic software glitch or unanticipated malicious hack), while conveniently ensuring that our eWallets are being automatically debited to cover the cost of all the “value-added services” we are enjoying. As all this high-tech kindness and care is bestowed upon us and we are transported about, our eyes will never have to be off a screen for more than a few seconds. The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades!
Happy motoring!
Sounds great for the techies that love that kinda thing. But can I please keep my normal car?
wall-e is the perfect answer to why I want to control my own car…and life!
and the scary part is that kind of future is already on its way with the next generation.
my son was quite bugged when he and a few buddies joined a gym for after school workouts and found out his dad was the only parent who refused to drive him there and said a 20 minute walk to the gym for his workout did not constitute child abuse!
I guess BMW can now call itself “The Ultimate Driven Machine”.
Once these get perfected, I suppose local governments will eliminate public transit and send everyone a check – I mean make electronic deposits into our accounts – instead?
If these can be firewalled from malware I •might• warm to the idea, but with a whole planet’s worth of criminals & spy agencies working overtime on breaking into everything networked, I say No Thanks. And I don’t have much confidence in innocent software developers either because they lack diligence.
Just yesterday I learned of Chinese networked cameras used to propagate malware. This is the reality of the “Internet of Things” those cyber dreamers promised:
http://www.pcworld.com/article/3134039/hacking/chinese-firm-admits-its-hacked-products-were-behind-fridays-massive-ddos-attack.html
I try to remain optimistic about the future, and this is not HELPING!
At some point, proponents of this technology will join the moral high ground (along with the vegetaians, I suspect) and harshly judge the rest of us carniverous self-drivers as being threats to their utopian futures. I try not to be.a Luddite, but the sheer oppressive onslaught of technology in every field of endevour is not necessarily welcome.
Lets put our best tech in our medical care, our spacecraft and our communications. But lets leave room for simple unencumbered transportation,
A respectable form of Luddism is “Appropriate Technology,” an NGO concept which unfortunately is aimed primarily at peasants in benighted “3rd World” countries. But what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Why do we have to computerize everything? It’s not a free lunch anyway; for example, you have to have IT nerds on hand when things go wrong. Technology is getting too complex for ordinary folks to master, even educated ones.
Time once was, the village blacksmith was the only tech expert folks needed.
Judging by some of the comments in the last related thread, the proponents have already started that ascent.
“Something” needs to be “done” about us to get to their utopia(dystopia?)
Yup, they’re coming for you, in autonomous Teslas. Better barricade yourself and put on the tin foil hat.
They’ll find me, autonomous vehicle cameras have even more sophisticated rose tinting than the glasses worn by their proponents!
People who believe it’s possible to have a utopian society are idealistic morons. Ignore such people. They are not living in reality. But it seems they do think they are smarter than everyone else. The Utopian Car. It drives itself. Nothing bad can possibly happen with your computer at the wheel! Is anyone dopey enough to believe garbage like that?
I have to admit I am a bit cynical.
I’m much more receptive to the idea of self-driving cars than I used to be. There are several reasons for this: 20 years of commuting, cell phones, dull modern cars, and the current lack of traffic law enforcement. The congested free-for-all so many of the roads I travel most have become are becoming tiresome.
George Orwell was right.
What a quaint concept — to be aware of your surroundings!
Another one of the 320i’s early ads asked “Why travel the highway of life in a boring car?” Ironic, these days, isn’t it?
Exactly; “Isolation Chamber” Detroit Broughams in principle would be a perfect fit for this concept. Hate driving? Do we have the car for you!
The irony is that just as the market is shifting from sport sedans to isolation, luxury and comfort/convenience gizmos–an approach that Cadillac ruled for decades–Cadillac now tries to make pseudo-BMW sedans. Meanwhile, the “Ultimate Driving Machine” is making softer cruisers and SUVs, with the emphasis shifting to luxury and technology. Mercedes is doing the same thing. Results? For 2015, Cadillac sold 175,267 units, BMW sold 346,023 and Mercedes sold 372,977. Guess who has figured out where the market is going…
awesome article, thanks for the laugh (and the prophecy?)!
The road to motoring nivana is littered with…seemed like a good idea at the time:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ford_Nucleon
The US was absolutely bananas about nuke power back then; there were also proposals for nuclear-powered aircraft, with the NB-36H Crusader carrying a reactor aboard for tests. Imagine the cleanup issues after an accident!
Yet nuclear warships did prove feasible, so it wasn’t all crazy.
It still boggles my mind that an aircraft carrier can steam around the world for 20 years without refueling.
NEWS HEADLINE in the year 2030:
“Massive autonomous vehicle hack causes unheard of automotive pile-up on Expressway”. Police said some motorists were trapped in their cars for an entire day and some died of suffocation when their cars ceased operation and the occupants could not break the windows while the automatically-controlled door locks were prevented from opening by the massive hack. The number of fatalities is rising as senior citizens, babies and small children are pulled dead from their cars while their frantic parents could do nothing. Police are uncertain how many vehicles are affected but report the accidents began occurring when autonomous vehicles suddenly began driving out of control and the Passenger Override System failed. Said Police Chief Ralph Naderus “The survivors of this vehicle hack have reported to us the Passenger Override System was completely unresponsive when the occupants attempted to wrest control of the vehicle from the Computer Bit System. It appears they were at the mercy of the compromised system encoded into the automobile. We expect more fatalities in the coming days. There are over 50 miles of inoperable vehicles on the highway awaiting a tow. We don’t know when the Expressway will be cleared nor can we give a clear estimation of the number of injured and deceased motorists.”
I’m not particularly bothered by the advances in self-driving cars, if only because I’m able to splash a lot of cold water on the dreams thru a little bit of realism.
Given all the variables that have to be accounted for in self-driving cars, I see the initial implementation of this technology being limited to the Interstates and limited access highways. Which is something that I’ve been dreaming of for decades.
I can think of nothing more wonderful on my twice-yearly trips from Ashland, VA to St. Augustine, FL than to be able to get on I-95 at the Atlee/Elmont exit (exit 86 – which is a mile and a half from my home), flip a switch on the dash of the Sedona, and have the self-driving function take over.
And continues to do the driving until having reached the intersection of I-295 going around Jacksonville, FL and US1 where the system switches off and I drive the remaining 40 miles to the Fountain of Youth park to unpack and set up my camp. Meanwhile, I’ve settled back into reading a good book, maybe taking a nap, or finally working out why I can’t get the flint knapped properly on my doglock to keep up a reliable three rounds per minute rate of fire during the Searle’s Raid reenactment.
Self-driving cars in the suburbs and on local access roads? Not until they’ve come up with good enough sensor/software combinations to work around jaywalkers, children playing in the street, and the usual smart-ass types who are going to try to screw with the system, etc. And I don’t see that happening in my lifetime (which I currently estimate to being another 14+ years).
But, boy, on those long trips. Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie!!!
Don’t forget: “Future’s So Bright” was about nuclear war.
I was hoping someone would point that out! It’s what made me think of this obscure 1980s hit–many people thought it was positive (it became a graduation anthem), but the reality the song meant to convey was much darker. Also, there are “missing verses” that did not appear in most versions (including this music video) but were part of the song as originally written:
Well I’m well aware of the world out there,
getting blown all to bits, but what do I care?
Blowin’ up the lab,
Blowin’ the professor,
Torn between two evils,
I always pick the lesser.
Let’s see–superficially bright and wonderful, but really rather insidious when you think about all the ramifications, trade-offs and ethical choices. Remind you of anything being developed today?
What’s truly hilarious is that Ronald Reagan tried to use the the song for his campaign but then he also tried to use “Born In the USA” which indicated that he never listened to any lyrics that weren’t sung by Bing Crosby.
My first car upon turning 16 in 1986 was a 1982 320i. It was so different than BMW’s (or about ANY car) now….no power steering, no power windows, no power locks, manual crank sunroof, 101 hp as I recall from the 1.8 liter. No air bags or ABS either, of course. But it was so light and nimble, fun to drive. Peppy with so little weight on board, but certainly not too fast. Crude in some ways, such as the kit car quality center console with the stereo standing upright to make room for barely adequate AC….and the metal stamped VIN number pop riveted to the top of the dashboard, I kid you not. I don’t know of any car you can buy in 2016 that is so stripped. Maybe a Versa Note? But it was all so right. I wish you could buy a new BMW just like it.
+10. I had an ’81. Superb car. Exactly as you describe, I put about 100k miles on it. It is a frontrunner in the “cars I wish I still had” or as you point out, “cars I wish I could buy today” contest.
Eat.