My aunt has pretty good taste in cars. An MGB, a Volvo 740GLE, a Toyota 4Runner and a VW Passat wagon are some of the vehicles that have passed through her hands. A pretty eclectic list, as I read over it. But here’s the thing: have you ever known someone who buys good stuff and just…doesn’t take very good care of it? That’s Gina. She’s not a “car guy” by any means. The cars are just transportation appliances to her. They get dirty, they get dinged, they get repaired when something goes wrong, but they don’t see a lot of maintenance in-between. This, you may have heard, is not the kind of treatment that upscale German cars thrive under.
So when she told me she was willing to sell me her 2001 540i, I approached with caution. The E39 BMW is hailed by some as the pinnacle of BMW’s 5-series line. I’m partial to an E34 myself, especially with the baby 3.0-L V8 – I love me a tiny V8! (If anyone out there has an Alfa Romeo Montreal they’d like to let me evaluate, hit your boy up in the comments!). But I wouldn’t kick an E39 out of my driveway, especially not with the 4.4-L V8 and staggered M-Parallel wheels.
But I knew something of Gina’s history with the car, such as getting stuck in snow multiple times because she didn’t understand that those staggered M-Parallels needed proper rubber for her northern Ohio climate, instead of the summer tires they came with.
I knew the remote key fobs didn’t work, because BMW being BMW, the door locks were needlessly complicated and Gina had decided they were too expensive to fix, so she simply had gotten used to locking and unlocking the doors by inserting the key into the lock like some kind of caveman. God knows what else had she neglected or decided to just live with.
So we worked out a deal. I’d take the car on a trial basis and pay her only if it worked out.
The first step was the cleaning. Oh, the cleaning. Gina likes to eat, drink and apply makeup in the car, as well as use her cars for hauling purposes for which they were not intended. The interior had suffered about like you’d think. It took all my skills in interior detailing, but what eventually emerged, after many hours’ work, was a beautiful full leather interior with burr walnut trim. I’ve posted some before-and-after shots to show what I had to deal with. View these only with discretion and a strong stomach.
Yuk. Anyway, the car was loaded: factory cell phone in the armrest, navigation, and a setting that, while parked, would turn the blower fan on to exhaust hot air out the sunroof before you left the office to drive home.
But even after detailing, it was far from pristine. Gina had tried touching up some chips and scratches herself, using blue paint. You will notice the car itself was not blue, but black. (This wasn’t a surprise to me, because on her Volvo, she once dealt with a floppy radio antenna by bending it forward and slamming the rear door shut on it.)
Let’s get those gross pictures out of our heads with something better:
That’s more like it. Anyway, Gina had also had some issues with the climate control not working correctly. I traced it to her habit of pulling too far forward against the curb when parking. She had wrecked the front air dam more than once this way, destroying the ambient temperature sensor to the confusion of the automatic climate control, which could no longer monitor the ambient temp. Having done this more than once, she eventually got fed up with having it fixed. Hence when I got the car, the outside temperature display would show implausible readings, like below 0° F or 122° F, and the windows would fog up instantly in the rain.
Because this was a BMW, it goes without saying that the EML light was on. I’d dismantle the intake, check and clean things, replace seals, clear the codes, and it would go off for a few days, then come back on.
But even with the light on, the 540i was magnificent to drive. The V8 was silky smooth and sounded glorious. The handling wasn’t sprightly, but it could hustle. Still, something was missing. Something my E34 530i had had: a clutch pedal.
And that was a problem because that car really did not like to downshift. I had a few embarrassing moments when trying to pass someone, expecting potent acceleration and getting only a leisurely gathering of pace as the transmission held fifth gear. For some reason, it only happened when trying to pass, not when I just punched it with no one in front of me. Surely there must have been an issue with the kickdown mechanism.
But rather than dig further into that issue, I realized the car wasn’t for me. It was bigger than what I usually drive, and it just wasn’t the kind of spritely, tossable car I love. That, plus the EML light, and some creeping rust spots, convinced me the car and I did not have a future together.
My aunt and I spoke and she cheerfully agreed to take the BMW back. While I had it, besides giving it a deep cleaning, I had tuned it up, changed all the fluids, replaced the tires and sway bar bushings, and fixed the temperature sensor, the door lock issue, and several other small but annoying things, so it hadn’t been a free ride from my point of view. But it was fun. I enjoy that sort of low-stakes tinkering, where you’re not desperately trying to keep a car running, but just enjoying seeing it gradually become better and better than the day you got it.
Gina sold the car to her sister-in-law, an Irish lady who also had pretty good taste in cars. Under Marylynn’s care, the BMW finally received some dealership attention that, after several visits, finally vanquished the EML light once and for all (although is an old BMW ever really be free of that infernal light?)
Marylynn once commented to me on how many young teenage boys seemed excited whenever they saw her car. Unfortunately, the 540i met its end sliding off a snowy road into a ditch. Marylynn was unhurt but the 540i was done.
Gina has not learned her lesson about German cars and today she drives an Audi Q3. I’m pleased to report she keeps it cleaner, although the bumpers show signs of parking-by-feel, in spite of the car having Parktronic assist with cameras. Do not buy a used car from Gina!
If buying a used BMW, be ready for maintenance costs. An oil filter housing gasket replacement on a 2013 E93 convertible cost me $800 (including degreasing the undercarriage). On my car the passenger airbag warning is perpetually lit because i refuse to pay $1000+ to replace the sensor. It’s a mat buried in the seat upholstery.
Still, the lure of the 335i’s 300 horsepower and six speed manual transmission is strong and every time I get in the car I feel unworthy. Mine was a gently used 50k mile lease return with no winters and by the book BMW maintenance, driven in Naples, Florida. A plus: final year for the origami metal folding roof which has been trouble-free.
God bless you, Gina. You sound like a character. Keep on beating the p*ss out of some nice cars and let our boy Mark shine ’em up and write ’em up here.
How would Gina react if you suggested she get a Toyota Camry?
Hah! That’s exactly what I was thinking! Maybe a 1999 or 2000, perhaps?
BMWs get confusing, Ive never kept up with various models but a friend has one that shape but 4 cylinder, horrible thing getting in is like dropping into a black hole, I got it running and eventually out of its parking space about a year ago so it could be got rid of, but last visit it was back in its slot and stuff was growing on it again, you think the posted car looks bad, you aint seen nothin. there were two abandoned non runners on that place, A Caldina had been turned off next to a garden which had nearly swallowed it, Jumper cables and it started right up after a 7 year sleep and drove out of the rambling roses that were all over it and it back in use as a powered wheelbarrow, typical Japanese car engine runs fine electric accessories all dead, nothing worked when it was parked up either.
Everyone knows a Gina. I had a friend who neither knew, nor cared, anything about cars other than they had four wheels. Drove a rattty ‘69 Mustang that was a family hand-me-down. When that car was finished in he figured he’d get another basic Mustang. Went to the dealer like a lamb to the slaughter. Was talked into buying a nice, new 1979 Mustang Ghia for full sticker price. At least the Mustang was nice and well equipped. He wasn’t used to having a right side rear view mirror, and somehow knocked it off the first week. It hung by the cable down the door. I next saw the car about a year later, and there was the mirror, still hanging down the door, now dinged by the mirror banging against it. The car had never been washed and everything in the interior was covered by a nice layer of dirt. The backseat served as a nice, large trash receptacle, filled with fast food detritus and empty beer cans.
I assume Marylynn was aware of her SIL’s approach to car ownership and knew what she was getting into?
I have a freind who thought he quickly addreses any mechanical malady, he totally ignores physical maintenance, never washes his cars. wax? Never heard of it. the interior, aft of the front buckets is filled to the funnels with all manner of papers and other detritus. His house is similar. serious deferred maintenance. A full on Hoarder. Latest is a Ford Escape. bought over 5 years ago after his second blazer, treated similarly, gave out. He has it parked in the drive of a duplex he also owns. He wanted to buy my 96 Srbring Convertible a decade, Offered a decent price, and I sold it to him. knowing what would happen. again. seldom washed. Only waxed once. By me, 5 years ago. Paint is dead, top is raggedy. Interior is not filled with trash, but has suffered being in the sun year round since I sold it. He is a very well educated man, tops in his field. But, treating a vehicle like, no, less than an appliance, is beyond my reckoning. He mules up if mentioned. Way to much book learnin’ and no common sense.
My Mother in Law’s boyfriend, FIL of sorts I guess, was frugal. No, really he was just plain cheap. He would buy a new car, bottom of the line stripper, think Escort or Cavalier, for cash, then drive them for years doing nothing as long as they ran. Oil change? No. My MIL was in for bypass surgery and wanted her daughter back there for her, so my wife went. Borrowed his car a bit, ended up putting wipers on it replacing the originals. He was upset at her for wasting money.
Not a used car you would want to buy, low mileage or not.
Ah, my wife. She has never washed a car. She has never vacuumed the inside of a car. She has never done anything with a car except tell ME when something is up. Luckily I am OCD with cars, and ships, and eyes, so it isn’t a problem for me. Lucky her!
“had gotten used to locking and unlocking the doors by inserting the key into the lock like some kind of caveman. ”
! you’re kidding right ?! .
What you experienced was what all smart dealer employees do : look for the one owner never thrashed but filthy and neglected high end car that’s always dirt cheap because those who buy igh end vehicles don’t want to ever be seen in an old one (go figure) .
Then you $pend $ome time, effort and $ in whipping it into shape and usually have a really nice if not perfect ride for less than any used car lot will sell you a clean lease turn in that has never had it’s oil changed .
I gave up on trying to ave a perfect ride in the 1980’s, I still get P.O.’d in someone dings my ride but those star chips in the windshield ? I ignore them until they begin to crack as I drive too many miles to be replacing the windshield five times a year .
You did really good by offering it back, I’da sold it on and pocketed any profit .
I warn everyone who looks at my old Mercedes’ or VW to never, _EVER_ buy a cheap German car .
-Nate