A damp and moonless night in downtown Tokyo. I must have taken a wrong turn. I’m trying to reach the metro station on the other side of this block, but instead am meandering along the narrow unlit side streets that start to become an impossible maze. A Dead end to my right and a gravel path ahead – I turn left. I see a car park at the end of the street and… Oh God! Nooooooooooooooo!…
Without warning, I was face to grille with a monster. It was as if the Galue was lying in wait for a hapless victim – and I was to play that role. It was calmly sitting there, in the dark, its grotesque chrome snout glistening with rain and anticipation, its evil bulging headlights seemingly aglow with delight. I was done for, and I knew it.
I lunged to the right of the beast, in a futile attempt to outflank it and make it to the other side of the car park and, perchance, the metro station. It was no use. The wily Mitsuoka had read my move. It flashed its fake wire wheels at me menacingly, paralyzing me with fear and dread. I stopped in my tracks, out of breath.
There was no escape. I silently prayed that this was a mere nightmare and that I could perhaps awake from it before the Galue turned violent. It displayed its razor-sharp rear fins, asserting its dominance and increasing my level of panic beyond what I had experienced before, even when faced with the worst Exner designs.
The danger with older Galues is that their unpredictability. And being a pure JDM product, there is no possible way to communicate with them. All you can do is shake like a leaf and bear it. They’re so alien and disturbing, with their narrow body and garish detailing. That hood ornament, for instance, has been seared into my brain forever. I still see it when I close my eyes.
For whatever reason, though, the Galue did not go on the offensive. It stared at me, doubtless amused by my discountenanced demeanor and the steady drip of cold sweat that was pouring from my brow. I started backing away slowly, hardly believing I might live to tell the tale of this horrific nightly encounter. But survive I did.
The streets of Tokyo are reputed to be among the safest in the world. And if we are judging this by the frequency of human crime, then I can agree. But this is not a very accurate metric: Mitsuokas lurk everywhere in the city, ready to pounce. My knees were still shaking as I got on the train. Be afraid, be very afraid…
Related post:
CC Capsule: 1998 Mitsuoka Galue (Series I) – Downhill From There, by T87
A. This is so funny – your essay.
B. I have never even heard of this marque.
C. What is wrong with a fake Jaguar/Rolls Royce saloon?
D. How about the cheap add-on single backup light on the rear bumper?
E. Should I be grateful that these are not made in left-hand drive?
Keep ’em comin’! Tom
The one depicted here doesn’t look so bad. Must be the color of the car, or the darkness…or something.
Plenty of links above remove all doubt that this brand is an automotive travesty.
I am glad you were able to escape.
Surprisingly, I don’t really hate the way it looks.
It kind of looks a bit like an updated Vanden Plas Princess R (though I doubt it looks that good inside).
Ditto. Works pretty well for me; better than many of these retro kit cars. Quite cohesive and plausible, actually, if RR or Bentley had made a compact sedan back in the day.
Don’t be afraid, little T87, the numbers on the plate denote it as only half a beast.
Could these be the Galue that holds Japanese society together? 🙂
Stop that or you’re headed for the Galue factory.
So you’re calling me a nag?
Please accept my apology; after all, to forgive is equine.
“…the worst Exner designs” are the best Exner designs.
That’ll be the “which way is it going?” Plymouth.
That’s actually a Dodge, made for Mexico.
Suddenly It’s Backwards!!
to be fair, that’s “tasteful” as far as Mitsuoka goes.
From the back it almost looks ok but the front is quite badly done, the same guy did the headlights on their Viewt model and it has the same gormless look about it. Humber rear meets Bentley/Vanden plas front, still it could be worse have you seen what Mitsuoka did to a Subaru?
I want! Maybe there’s even a chance as a JDM import to Enzed. To me the rear is says Lancia Flaminia more, except for the wonderful wipers of course.
You have caught the Galue in its element – wearing a dark outfit on a rainy night. I may pity the fool who has to drive a white one in the daylight, but I could slink around every evening in this. 🙂
They mostly come at night…
…mostly.
At first glance I thought that it was a picture of a Jaguar Mark VII! I like that Mitsuoka, I’d buy that. This is what followed me home a few years ago.
Here’s the picture.
That hood ornament reminded me of when Dirty Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) was turning in his SFPD badge over some disagreement: here’s your 7 point suppository.
Quite a contrast in time and design with what it is parked next to – the Scion or Kia squared off SUV.
From a very menacing front, it tapers off to a rather calming set of haunches, as if it’s done its damage up front, and it can glide by in the night past its prey. A nicely written piece Tatra.
Do the Mitsuoka stylists think they’re doing good work, or are they cynically playing to their perceived market?
From the distance it shouted…
“I am not a monster!”
Yes.
Yes you are.
This one actually doesn’t look so bad. It’s trying anyway…
I wouldn’t mind owning that car. What’s under the semi-attractive bodywork?
Nissan v6 with a cvt.
I like it! ‘Real Horrorshow’ got me thinking of ‘Real Horatio.’ But then I guess the “ghostly” appearance might have been more friendly. . .
I could be mistaken, but I took ‘horrorshow’ as the phonetic pronunciation of the common Russian word for ‘good’.
“Honey, I shrunk the Bentley T series…”
I knew we would eventually find something to make me want a Chrysler Cordoba with opera windows…..
I
had
NO
idea
that there was anything like this.
Dropped by their web site
https://www.mitsuoka-motor.com/global/lineup/
to discover they’ve got quite a range of products. A “Lotus Seven” and a “Corvette”; some “Jaguars” a “Porsche” a “Mercedes”, other stuff that looks vaguely familiar but I can’t place; and some silly microcar and three-wheeler.
The Galue in the article is gorgeous. I expect it’s far, far out of my price range even if it were legal here (and I don’t expect it is.) Seems to be an older model; but I like it better than the current Galue.
Ok, the “Corvette” is based on a Mazda four-popper, and wrong-wheel drive to boot. I suppose all their cars are modern platforms with “kit-car” bodies. Maybe they’re worse in-person than in photographs.
I can hardly wait for this company to grow up and build stylish bodies on their own chassis; certified for export to “wherever”. I see the LHD Galue has “Canadian” specs. It’s a start.
Until then, at least the web-site has lessons in philosophy, gems like “Live Naturally. We have received the truth of the World. No extra power is required and the mind lives gently.”
It’s like if the Japanese were influenced by The Car and wanted to make something just as menacing…or it’s just the dark photos and an excellent story!
It’s scarier still. Used to be that Yakuza higher-ups would seek out license plates with threes on them. Something to do with a dragon having three claws in Japan. So if you saw a license plate with multiple threes on it, odds are it was a Yakuza member.
But then, Yakuza preferred Aristos and more understated cars. Then again, my Mitsuoka had a license plate with threes on it when it was in Japan. So maybe some did like the Mitsuokas.