A CC Super Bowl Dream

By
– Posted on February 8, 2024

Text submitted by Jack Allen. 

Way back when, our US pro sports leagues originated with only a few teams in big, magnet cities – the rest initially located in whatever convenient, smaller cities were able to pull a club together.  At various times, “Major League Cities” have included places like Rochester (NL), Muncie (NFL), and Waterloo (NBA).  The Fort Wayne (now Detroit) Pistons got me started on this:   What if the NFL had been founded not in c.1920 Chicago, but significantly later, around Detroit?

Dream sequence ensues…  it’s sometime in the past.  I see the back page of a (don’t laugh) newspaper….

(When spoken/read aloud, Author pompously recommends use of narration styles from the Cronkiteian, Huntleyish, and Joelaldredesque schools – quick, crisp, trustworthy, friendly, authoritative, smarter-than-you-are, etc.) 

Champ Game Preview (con’t.) – Final conference standings

* Conference Champion

 

National Conference

* 1. Hamtramck Hemingbirds 

“Elephants,” “’phants,” “More Rockers Than You”s.

Perennial Conference champs just keep whiz-whiz-whiz-whiz-whiz-whizzing on.

 

  1. Grosse Pointe Blue SOHCs

“Overkillers,” “Chain Stretchers,“ “Open Pocketbookers”

Every bit as fast and about as strong, but the ‘phants just had too many bodies for the ‘SOHCs.

 

  1. Tonawanda 1-ders

“Big-blocks,” ”Rats,” “Super Rodents,” “Porcupines;” occasionally “Porcupine Rats,” etc. 

Famed for its legendary front five of L-men  (#71, #72, #78, #88, #89), the League’s biggest attendance draw / most despised team only matched Hamtramck or Grosse Pointe when the lights were off.  Still, good for an upset or two a year.

 

  1. Flint Fastbacks

“FFs” and “F’ing Fs;” famously, a loud, incredulous “F’ing F?,”  followed with bitter, disgusted “F’ing… F’!” 

Old, widely-supported club that never quite gets it done.  Well-known for supporters’ history of reacting to gut-wrenching disappointments with long periods of diminished mood and disturbingly dark thoughts.  Everybody’s second-favorite team.

 

  1. Warren Twin-Quads

“Overcarb’ds,” “Thirsties,” and  “Double-Squares.”  Derogatorily, “Flow-sluts.” 

With a squad currently long in tooth, Warren has also long been butt of those knee-slapping “expensive waste of resources” jokes.  “As busy as a pump jockey at a Flow-slut reunion,” “Warren t’you going to finish that?” etc.

 

  1. Woodward Intercoolers

“Wastegates,“ often “Wasted gates.”

Infamous for buying everything and developing nothing, the ‘gates are the League’s poster-children for dazzling entertainment, regularly brought to earth in spectacular failure.  Always with the newest gimmick, they’ll reliably drop it for the next big thing.  On TV every week.  

 

 

American Conference

* 1. Cleveland Hi-Flows

“Big Heads” or “Bice” (colloq. alt p. to Bosses;  derog. w.r.t.  Mice/Mouse).

Cleveland’s excellent air (use) quality is best in League.  Bice sport impressive statistics, despite occasional drama from funky, bowl-legged C, Otto Light, 43#.

 

  1. Toledo Champions

“Plugs,” more often “Damned Plugs” (“Aw hell, I forgot all about the Damned Plugs”)

Started strong, finished strong.  Extremely predictable – but near-impossible to stop – the ‘plugs are nobody’s idea of entertainment and, consequently, rarely seen.  Then you notice their record in the newspaper.

 

  1. Dearborn 330-Horsepower – No, Seriouslys

“Snakes” or “Snake-Jets.”   Most common: “Sand/’baggers”                                                                                                                  

The team everybody hates to play:  it’s not especially satisfying when you beat them and there’s hell to pay when you don’t.  Fanatical following revels in it.

(Note: We’re neutrals, but our coverage of the ‘baggers’ antics has been a reader favorite – Ed.)

 

  1. Lansing Tri-Power

Historically “Joots“ (“J2s”),  occasionally  “Doots” or “D’oh!s.”  Now “The TP” or, poopularly, just “TP.”

Almost everybody will tell you universally-appreciated TP deserves better.  Much optimism surrounds chances of “a ‘return to sanitization,’ a wiping-away of the odious current environment of rules, factors, and/or ratings.”

 

  1. Penske Acid-Dippeds

“Checkems,” “Unfairs”

Conventional wisdom is saying “just wait,” and loudly.  This season meant nothing;  everybody is afraid of what the Acid-Dippeds are about to be.  As one long-time insider notes, “They don’t give a damn about the rulebook, their field general is not only fast as hell, he’s also a freakin’ engineer; and their freakin’ captain, who also happens to be fast as hell, actually understands all of that tech stuff, too.  Oh, and they’ve also got a ton of money.”

 

  1. Royal Oak Super-Dutys

“Royal Ringers” “just some of Ace Wilson’s Daily Drivers,” “Cheezies”

Jocularly known as  “the C&D 389 Test Fleet,” they had scary good numbers, edgy rulesmanship, and always looked great – but all year long we heard the same story:  look underneath and they were just full of holes….

 

 Championship:  Cleveland at Hamtramck (-10.5)

This guy who knows ‘The Greek’ says he says:  “Flashy Hi-Flows look tempting to cover, but experienced Hemingbirds can always ‘break out’ in finals.  Give the points.”

————————–

Also:  New Franchise Applications are Invited!

Received to date:

South Bend Egbertchargers

Grand at Spaulding Mr. Normses

 

DISCLAIMER: NOTHING HEREIN SHALL BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, NOR SHALL ANY OFFENSE BE TAKEN FOR ANY REASON, BY ANYONE, ANYTHING, OR ANY GROUP – INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE USUAL HUMORLESS DOLTS WHO ARE PROBABLY UP TO NO GOOD ANYWAY, AND EXPLICITLY EXCLUDING ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THE FOLLOWING:  INDIVIDUALS OR GROUPS OF LIVING OR DEAD PERSONS/HUMANS, OTHER ANIMALS, VEGETABLES, MINERALS, AI ALGORITHMS, AND EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL BODIES AND SUBSTANCES;   POLITICAL, BENEVOLENT, LOBBYING, LABOR, TRADE, RELIGIOUS, EDUCATIONAL, HEALTH, MEDIA, NON-PROFIT, SUBVERSIVE, CRIMINAL, AND/OR OTHER ORGANIZATIONS, ASSOCIATIONS, AND/OR ACTIVISTS (RECOGNIZED AND UNRECOGNIZED), SLAPP LAWSUIT SPECIALISTS, CYBER-WARFARE CELLS OF HOSTILE FOREIGN ACTORS, HORNY COLLEGE STUDENTS,  SOULESS TERRORISTS, SLEAZY INFLUENCERS, POINTY-HEADED PROFESSORS, MEMBERS OF CONGRESS AND THEIR STAFFS, LICENSED PROPERTIES AND CHARACTERS, BLATANT EXTORTIONISTS, AND CORPORATE LEGAL DEPARTMENTS  – OUT TO MAKE TROUBLE FOR THIS GUILELESS, INNOCENT, PUBLIC DOMAIN-RICH, USA-MADE, WELL-MEANING, AND CLIMATE-NEUTRAL EFFORT, WHICH BY THE WAY IS NOT MAKING AUTHOR ANY MONEY, TO PROVIDE WHOLESOME AMUSEMENT TO LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.